It’s still cold.

It’s been a while since I’ve posted on this website, mostly because I forgot I had one, and partially due to just regular laziness.

I’m currently in Milwaukee with two shows Saturday at the Potowaname (sic?) casino to wrap up a three casino run including two in northern Michigan. Of course I didn’t bring a jacket in spite of the fact that there is still snow on the ground in spots, but it felt pretty warm when I left Tennessee. Apparently, Al Gore causes global warming.

Fortunately I was able to keep my vow of only gambling with money I would have otherwise given the homeless, so I’m not out much.

Thanks to all the folks that made it out to Zanies April 28th for the benefit show for the luekemia association. Shawn Tidwell did a great job following a very sobering video of the effects of such a terrible disease, making my job quite a bit easier. The crowd was fantastic and it was great to see so many opening their hearts and wallets for a cure.

Can’t wait to get home and see my big hammer-headed dog. If you’ve ever had a tongue rubbed repeatedly across your face, you can understand what he’s in for.

Why Chain letters work

One of our presidential hopes has stated boldly that 95 % of Americans would be getting a federal tax break under his plan. Since only around 70 % of citizens pay taxes, over 20 % of Americans would be getting a tax relief check from the government even though they didn’t pay taxes. Of these 20 % of Americans, I’m assuming 2 % do not watch the news, or follow current events. Half of them, or 1% would not know why they got the check. .07 % of these people who get a check recently forwarded a chain letter.

And… that’s how chain letters work.

I’m Turning Pro.

I’ve been a college football fan for around 35 years. I’m not talking about a fan of a division II program Like the UTM Pacers or nighthawks or whatever… I, was a division one fan. UT Vols All The Way!

So it is with deep reservations that I have decided to turn Pro after 35 years in the collegiate ranks. I will look back on the Vols fondly, as my favorite “College” team. And will follow them with interest as they battle other SEC teams. There is some pressure jumping from the amature ranks where as a fan I was 1-2, to an UNDEFEATED 3 and 0 team, but I feel I am making the adjustments and fitting in nicely.

By the way.. My letter to Vince Young:

Dear Vince, please do not let the media get in your head. You are an undefeated national champion QB as well as the 1st pick in the draft by a group of men much smarter than both of us combined. Just relax and focus. I know what it is like to be boo’d. I’ve been boo’d. I’m a touring comedian. What you have to keep in mind is that 99.9 % of your critics could not perform as well as you on your worst play. I wish I knew what to say that could bring a smile to your face, but I’m not that good at my job either.

Thanks

Thanks

Tomorrow is my birthday. May 28. On May 17th, I had a surprise party thrown by some really cool folks at my house. I saw the balloons on the street sign and thought someone had a baby. Nope! A party for me. I had a ball and was amazed so many people drove so far from civilization to take part in it.

Thanks guys and girls! I was seriously touched and also appreciate those who sent well wishes etc… and to those who went out of their way to plan this in spite of not being able to attend. It was a complicated event which included bogus bookings, deception on a grand scale and lots of bar-b-que. Loved it.

Dan

When it’s a job

I tend to get sick more than the average person. I’m generally able to shake it off pretty quick, but it always seems to occure at the least convienient time. Like now for instance.

I’m nearing the middle of a 4 week Loony Bin run which I have been looking forward to for a while. With the temps fluctuating between 70 and 20 the last few weeks I came down with what ever is going around. Comedy is not one of those jobs that is conducive to calling in sick, so I loaded up on the following medicines… Zycam, which you spray up your nose then fight to keep it in, Emergen-C which you drink and try to hold down, Flu & Severe Cold, which taste worse than emergen-C, but on the positive side makes you groggy and a neti-pot. The later is my favorite. You take what looks like a miniture tea pot, mix the solution, place one end in your nose and pour it in one nostril till it comes out the other. It’s not as attractive as it sounds.

Like most comics, I always feel better better on stage. The energy, adrenalin, or whatever you want to call it always seems to be the best medicine. Last night was no exception. I felt fine, but my voice cracked and threatened to quit multiple times. Had I taped it, I would have marketed it as “Mr. Haney from Green Acres does Oklahoma.”

The second show was even worse, as far as my voice, or lack there of goes. I must say though, the crowds were awsome. They shussed talking tables themselves, laughed loud in all the right spots and were as quiet as any sold out show I have seen between punch lines.

I’m spending my days in bed, avoiding the headliner, (Janet Williams) like the plague I already have and hoping she does not catch it. The Emcee, (Leigh) is great, but I’m not sure she can pull of an hour and a half.

I’m looking forward to getting back to Nashville in a few weeks. I’ve also got the hook up if anyone needs a used neti pot.

Tough guy shots

Had a fun run in Florida, worked the Club Med for the first time. The deal is, you stay 7 days at Club Med, then do 2 shows over the weekend. All food and drinks are free. I now weigh around 300.

Last night was spent in the Land Of 10000 Lakes. I saw two of them. I also saw two guys doing “Tough guy shots”. The basic idea behind these type shots is… first you snort a line of table salt with a straw, then take a shot of tequilla, then squeeze a shot of lime in your eye. Seriously.

I’m in Grand Forks tonight, at Dreamers, then back to the Bunch of Lakes State, (Moorhead) for Thursday through Saturday shows, then ending Sunday with a one nighter in Coon Rapids. Seriously.

Upcoming local shows… Wild Horse Saloon October 22, Comedy Kaos show in Franklin October 26.

positive signs

Sometimes things just happen to work out for the better, but it never fails to shock me… I did a show for about 7 people several months ago in the Gatlinburg area. The show went about as I expected. But, I did get booked off the show to do the Tennessee Jay Cee’s annual awards show this past Saturday. Got my first complete standing O, and got booked to do their national convention. Thanks Jay Cee’s!

August 16 will see me back in Florida for a couple of weeks working in Altimont, Orlando, Sanford and Daytona.

September shows at Universal Studios, Coco Beach, Melborn Florida and Port St. Lucy

Local Shows

7:00 pm tonight…Woody’s Smokes and Brews 1935 Mallory Lane, Franklin Tn. Rick Wey, Mark Anundson and I will be all jokey jokey. Rick will be taping a cd. I will be enjoying performing in the state for a change.

Dog uses heimlich to save owner

A labrador is credited with saving a life using a heimlich technique to save his owner who was choking. People seldom appreciate how intelligent dogs really are. The dog also probably realizes he was practicing medicine without a license. Oh sure, it worked THIS time…But what happens when Fido decides Mr. Two Legs needs a colonoscopy? It is a proven and indisputable fact that most dogs know less about medical procedures than John Edwards. Play it safe, get a second opinion.

I’ll be practicing comedy without a license on 3-29-07 at The Electric Cowboy, Texarkana Arkansas. Bring a dog that understands male pattern baldness and get in free.

Ohio

It’s March 17th 2007. I’m in Marysville Ohio. Yes, the name is intimidating, but so far the people seem peaceful. I drove through snow to get here. Snow. It’s March 17th. It was snow.

There ya go.

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